The Plan, Revised & Ever Changing

This post is LONG overdue.  I started to update several times, but never finished. 

Lots has happened since my last post and I won't go into too much detail because I'll never finish!

I started chemo in late July and had two treatments before I had the joy and privilege of going to First Descents to learn to kayak with other cancer survivors (more on that later!).  The first two treatments were really pretty easy.  I bounced back easily and didn't feel too bad on the bad days.  Despite feeling good, when I came home from camp, my counts were low and my next treatment was postponed.  Since then, I've had three more treatments, each one worse than the last.  The effects of chemo are cumulative, but I didn't expect to feel as bad as I did.  My last treatment was last Thursday and I feel like I am just starting to emerge from the haze.  My biggest complaint lately has been a neverending banging, throbbing headache.  An MRI ruled out cancer, so now I just have to figure out what is causing it and get it under control.  My oncologist has suggested that it is from tension.  What's there to worry about?  Ha, ha.

I also have a new team of doctors at Duke University.  I got a 2nd opinion there just after I came home from First Descents and have been back two times since.  My oncologist there wanted me to have a few more treatments and then come back for scans there, which happened on the 15th of this month.  My response to chemo has been good and my tumors have shrunk.  This is great news, but I will admit that I was disappointed that they were there at all.  I keep thinking that someone is going to come into the doctor's office and tell me that it was a big mistake and there is no cancer after all.  I met with a surgeon on the day of the scans and he is going to operate to remove lymph nodes on the left side.  He is also going to remove my implants and take out a chunk of skin where the rash was before chemo sent it on its way.  I will have the surgery at Duke in early October and will just have to spend one night at the hospital if all goes well.  I went back to Duke again on the 20th to meet with my oncologist there as well as the radiation oncologist for a 2nd time.  The original Duke planned involved some major radiation, but when I met with the radiation oncologist on Monday, she told me that she wants to wait and see my pathology after surgery to see whether she will want to zap me at all.  There is lots of area to cover and she can't re-radiate my supraclavicular area because it would likely cause nerve damage in my right arm and/or paralysis.  She is also worried that my cancer doesn't respond to radiation because she is sure that these tumors were growing while I was being treated the first time.  That is very scary stuff.  She also mentioned that I would probably have more chemo after surgery.  And I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Annabel is doing great!  She keeps me laughing and keeps me on my toes.  Her favorite thing to do lately is play with her babies.  She feeds them, undresses them (I'm in charge of putting the diapers on and getting them dressed), puts them on the "bus" (lines up the dining room chairs), puts them "a sleep".  Scott also got her a choo-choo and she has been playing with that a lot.  She still enjoys painting and coloring, too.  Her favorite show is still Max and Ruby if you ask her, but thankfully, she's willing to watch a variety now and probably watches too much TV.  She is not in school....yet.  We postponed it because I thought I was going to have to go to Duke for five weeks of radiation.  Now that seems to be out, we will get her started in preschool soon.  I hate that she will start late, but I think she will like being around other kids again. 

I have lots more to say, but time has gotten away from me again and we are finally going camping again!  I have to go and get ready.  More later!

The Plan

Lots has happened since my last post.  My calendar has been full of doctor's appointments, with many more upcoming.  Most notably, I saw my oncologist on Wednesday last week and we now have a plan of attack. 

On Thursday, I will have my first chemo and the plan is that I will have 3 week cycles; I will get chemo once a week for two weeks and then have a week off.  I will be on chemo indefinitely.  My hair will fall out (again).  I am not thrilled about this, obviously, but am willing to do what it takes to knock it out.  Am I ready?  I think not, but there is nothing that I can do to get that way.  I am ready to get my cancer under control, but not looking forward to the process.  It has been a rough few weeks, to say the least.  I vascillate between trying to wrap my head around this mess and trying to keep my mind off of it.  Not sure which is more detrimental, but it is difficult to cope with my new diagnosis and upcoming treatment.  I feel like I have just recently gotten back on track with my health and am finally feeling good, so it is quite a blow to face this crap once again, knowing that I will not be feeling well and will have to learn to cope with side effects all over again.  This time around, I will be getting two different drugs, Ixabipilone and Carboplatin.  It will allegedly be more tolerable than last time because of the dosage. 

When I saw the radiation oncologist a few weeks ago (just after my last post), she was not hopeful about treating me with radiation to zap the cancer out of my lymph nodes.  She told me at the time that she wouldn't rule it out and would think about it and consult with other colleagues, but she felt that the cancer might not be confined to the areas that showed up on the PET.  She was very concerned about the rash on my chest and though I had an upcoming appointment with the dermatologist to have a biopsy, she was able to get me in to see the surgeon for a biopsy immediately following our appointment with her.  The results were back the following day and it turns out that the rash is cancerous.  It is breast cancer that has metasticized to my skin, called lymphatic dermal invasion.  Apparently, it is tough to control, but I will have 10 radiation treatments to zap the rash and hopefully stop it in its tracks. 

On Friday, I will be going to Duke to meet with an oncologist there for a consult/second opinion.  My doctor has been very supportive and helpful in facilitating the appointment and getting me there quickly.  I had hoped to find a clincial trial with PARP inhibitors, but didn't meet eligibility requirements for any that I found (with lots of help from a few different people).  By going to Duke, I will see a specialist and will then be on their radar should some new and promising treatment become available.  She will be working with my oncologist and together, we will forge ahead with a treatment plan. 

I am happy to report that I will still get to attend First Decents, the kayaking camp that I signed up for and have been looking forward to attending for months.  My doctors think it's a good idea for me to go and I hope that it will help me get my head straight for the battle ahead.  Despite my excitement, it is going to be positively brutal to get on a plane and leave Scott and Annabel behind for a whole week.  Getting ready for my trip has been a good distraction and I'm headed to the attic today to find some ski gear that will serve a dual purpose.  I love gear!  I think I'm just about all set between recent shopping trips and stuff I already had.  I'm concerned that the (unknown) chemo side effects will hit just in time for my trip, which is my chemo "off" week.  The trial nurse said that she would schedule me to come in and get IV fluids the Friday before I leave to hopefully help me out.  I don't want my trip to be fouled up with feeling foul!  I think I can also expect to lose my hair while I'm there, which I'm sure will be especially tough being away from home.  I will be with other cancer survivors, so at least it will not be shocking.

Annabel is doing great.  She is talking up a storm and singing and dancing and coloring and painting and playing with her babies and using the potty (still working on poop!) and going to "school" and camping and travelling....we have had a busy and eventful summer so far.  I am not quite sure how to prepare her for what is coming.  She was only 17 months old when I was first diagnosed and turned two a month after my last chemo treatment.  At 31 months, she is so much more aware of what is going on and is more perceptive than I sometimes give her credit for.  I am sure that she will adjust to our "new normal", but I hate thinking about the effect it will have on her.  I don't want her to fret or worry because I'm sick.  Last week, she spent two nights with Scott's parents to visit and so that Scott and I could go to my Wednesday appointments and I had a CT scan on Thursday.  I was so sad and upset, I felt like it would be hard to keep it together when she came home.  I was really worried about it, but she was just what I needed to pull myself together. 

I am not sure how Scott is able to keep it together, but he is doing an amazing job of taking care of me and Annabel and the house and the dogs and of course, work.  He has been with me to all of my doctor's appointments and is able to ask the right questions when I am too stunned to process what is going on.  He comforts me when I'm down and knows exactly what to do to bring me out of a funk.  Or hysteria, for that matter.  There has been a fair share of hysteria lately!  I could not do this without his love and support.  Cancer aside, our life together is pretty darned good.  I could never have imagined that any of this would happen, but I am incredibly lucky to have him by my side for this wild and scary ride.

To keep things upbeat, I am going to mention a few things I'm doing to fight the fight before chemo starts.  I am still going to oncology rehab to exercise.  I have missed a few days due to doctor's appointments, but I go whenever I can and do as much as I can while I'm there.  The trainers and nurses involved in the program are awesome.  They are encouraging, supporting and have been really sensitive during my diagnosis and this waiting phase.  I can't say enough good things about this program.  It really is set up to help participants to succeed in developing healthy exercise habits.  I hope that I will be able to drag myself there once treatment starts.  I have already had rough days; last week, they had to go and find some tissues for me because I cried half of the time I was there.  I almost didn't go because I knew it would happen, but F it, I am going to make things better for myself and this cancer shit is pretty raw.  Exercising while crying is nothing compared to walking around bald.  But I digress....I am also trying to overhaul my diet.  I am really freaked out about making things worse and my appetite is still not "right" from my last stint with chemo.  I will eat whatever is in front of me, but when I am left to my own devices, I can't think of anything to eat.  I am cutting sugar out, reducing the amount of meat I eat and upping the fruits and vegetables.  I rarely drink diet coke anymore and have switched to unsweetened tea or water if we are out to eat.  My favorite healthy concoction so far is sauteed spinach and roasted beets over quinoa, sprinkled with goat cheese.  Pretty impressive, huh?  I am far from where I need to be with this effort, but it's getting better.  I am trying not to beat myself up because I think most things are fine in moderation.  I drank half a pitcher of margaritas last weekend at La Paz.  That was naughty, but if you have ever had a margarita there, you would understand. 

Tomorrow, I have an appointment to get fitted for a compression sleeve to prevent lymphedema.  I HATE nude pantyhose and this will be like wearing thick nude pantyhose on my arm.  In the hundred degree heat.  I saw a physical therapist a few times who prescribed the sleeve as a precautionary measure.  I have been dragging my feet about getting it, but my hand has started swelling in the past week, so I need to get one, like, yesterday.  At this point, the swelling is minor and would be imperceptible except that I learned what to look for from the PT.  I also need to make an appointment with her as I cancelled the last one for my biopsy and haven't rescheduled yet.  I am curious to see whether my measurements have changed since I started exercising.  Just another unpleasant thing about this whole situation.  Waaaaah!  I should add that there are sleeves available that are not "nude"; just not sure that I will invest in a color or pattern right off the bat.  These things aren't cheap. 

My update might be full of whine, but I still think I have a pretty good attitude, all things considered (I didn't even write about my trip to the dermatologist!).  I am lucky to have the love and support of my family and friends, so thank you all for helping me do this!  Also, though things are not great right now, don't be afraid to ask me questions or call me.  I don't remember who knows what half the time, so remind me to update you if I don't and you want to know what's going on.  And I'll try to update more often.

Hope!

I was able to get an appointment with my oncologist this afternoon.  This is a feat and a credit to how wonderful she is because I was the last appointment on Friday afternoon before she leaves for vacation.  Up to this point in my diagnosis, I have felt sort of shuffled around and it didn't help that I had a new surgeon, too.  It helps to hear bad news from someone who you know and who knows you. 

My oncologist got right down to business.  Her best case option is sort of "outside the box".  She thinks that there is a possibility that I may be able to have radiation to stop this cancer in its tracks.  It is not a sure thing; I have to meet with a radiation oncologist next week to see whether this is an option for me.  I guess it has to do with the fact that the cancer is in a few different places.  My doctor has another patient in a similar situation that is going through this treatment right now.  This would be GREAT.  Radiation is sort of scary, but I would take it over chemo any day (as long as it does the work!). 

I also asked about the possibility of specialists and/or clinical trials outside the area.  She is working to get information about any trials that I may be suited for at either Duke or UNC, and I should hear something about this next week.  Not only did I get a last minute appointment, my doctor is going to communicate any pertinent info via email WHILE SHE IS ON VACATION.  And I already thought she was awesome.

I have this rash on my chest (left boob) that has been there for over a month now.  I had her look at that and now I need a biopsy to make sure it isn't some kind of manifestation of my cancer.  The treatment for that sounds absolutely awful, so I am hoping that it is some kind of fungal infection.  The doctor suggested this as a possibility as well, so she prescribed some kind of topical cream to use on it until I see a dermatologist next week. 

So, also, part of my pathology hasn't come back yet, but there is the possibility that one of my receptors is positive this time around.  That would be good because I would be able to take tamoxifin to keep cancer at bay; this is something that was not an option the first time around because my receptors were all negative.  I am anxious to get the results.

I feel like I got some good news with lots of possible options today.  I really expected to go in there and leave with an appointment to get another port and start chemo next week.  Really.  So it was a pleasant surprise to walk away from the appointment with hope that treatment might not be chemo for an indefinite period of time.  Because basically, if the radiation thing doesn't pan out, it is likely that I will have to have chemo for the rest of my life.  That doesn't sound so good.

It's baaaack.

I had a biopsy on Tuesday and went to the doctor today to get the official news.  The cancer is in my lymph nodes under my left arm and above my collarbone on the right side.  Apparently there are other suspicious areas as well, but just in the lymph nodes. 

The next step is a visit with my oncologist to formulate a plan of action.  She is going on vacation next week and I'm really glad that she was able to squeeze me in this afternoon.  I didn't want to have to wait an extra week to get started.  I will be having chemo, but not sure yet what kind and how often.  My guess is that it is going to be an indefinite situation and that they will just switch it up as needed.  I'll learn more this afternoon. 

This time, I plan to get a second opinion.  I have absolute trust in my oncologist, but I know that there must be someone, somewhere that is a specialist or is studying my particular kind of cancer.  Hopefully, I will be able to find a promising clinical trial.  There is a new drug that hasn't been released by the FDA yet that has shown lots of promise for people with the BRCA gene and who have triple negative breast cancer.  We'll see.

Yesterday, I still wasn't feeling great from the biopsy that I had on Tuesday.  It is hard to shake that anesthesia!  I went to oncology rehab anyway and I'm so glad that I did.  I thought I would take it easy, but the trainers only modified one exercise for me.  I did the regular workout otherwise, and left feeling good.  I know a big part of it is getting there.  The oncology rehab program lasts 10 weeks and I will stick with it if they will let me, and I can't think of a reason why they wouldn't. 

I think I'm doing alright dealing with the situation.  I think I mentioned before that at least there is less shock with this diagnosis, so I feel like my head is on somewhat straight.  Ativan helps when needed; I have had some panic attacks, but I think that is to be expected.  The waiting part before treatment is especially hard mentally and emotionally because there is no action yet.  Once treatment starts, there is at least the confidence that chemo is doing its job.  I am definitely keeping my normal pace for the time being.  Things will change soon enough.

Still no update on the fun stuff that's been going on lately!  I will get to that once this whole diagnosis thing is over and my treatment plan is in place.  I'll keep you posted!

July Already?

Poor, neglected blog.  The last part of May and all of June were so busy that I hardly had time to catch my breath.  I have been having a fabulous time, full of great adventures and lots of visiting with family and friends.  I have lots of good to report, but also some not so good.  I guess I'll start with the bad....

I still have a lot of tightness on my right side from surgeries and radiation.  I am (finally) seeing a physical therapist to help (more on that later), but a few weeks ago, I was especially sore for a few days.  I was trying to locate the source of my pain and found a lump above my collar bone at the base of my neck.  I called the doctor immediately and went to see her two weeks ago.  She agreed that there was cause for alarm and sent me for a PET scan, which I had last Tuesday.  My oncologist called with the results last Thursday afternoon.  The lump is "highly suspicious".  The conversation is a little blurry because while I was not surprised, I was still in shock.  Apparently, areas of "suspicion" light up on the scan.  This area wasn't bright and I'm not exactly sure what it means....whether that means that it is not very concentrated or if there isn't much of it?  I don't know; I'm sure that I will be learning more about that.  It is not good that this is happening, but the scan is from the top of my head to mid-thigh and the only areas of suspicion were the lump that I found and something under my left arm; presumably a lymph node, but she said that treatment for the other would take care of it.  The next step is a biopsy and after several calls to harrass the schedulers at the doctor, who were dragging their feet, I finally have an appointment to see a surgeon on Friday morning.  I still don't know whether he will be able to biopsy the lump at the office or if I am just going to meet him to schedule the biopsy.  I am ready to move this along as quickly as possible.  I do not like the thought or idea of cancer in my body and I am ready to get it OUT.  My oncologist said that if it is positive, I will have to have more chemo.  I am prepared to fight this battle again; I want it GONE.  I am very anxious to move through the diagnosis so that I can start the treatment.  I want to move past this; the sooner the better.  In the meantime, I feel like I have been calm, but with moments of hysteria.  I have had to employ my old friend Ativan some, but not too much.  The support and encouragement of my family and friends is helping me cope during this period of waiting.  So, THANK YOU for reminding me that I can do it again! 

Part of my recovery is oncology rehab.  Part of oncology rehab is physical therapy.  I have been to the physical therapist twice so far and she says that I have a full range of motion, despite the tightness in my chest, especially on the right side where I had more extensive surgery, lymph node removal and radiation.  I went last week to learn more exercises and she massaged my arm where I have cording from radiation.  Cording is gross.  It feels like there is a piece of string under my arm that goes all the way to the tips of a few fingers.  And the string feels like it is just a tad too short, so I get a weird shooting pain sometimes when I reach too far or the wrong way.  It is much improved after just two visits to the physical therapist.  It is uncomfortable when she massages it, but I have less pain immediately afterward.  The plan is to only visit her once more for more massage and then I'll be released from her care.  The biggest part of oncology rehab is that I meet with other cancer patients at the hospital's fitness center three times a week to work out.  I really love it so far.  The trainers monitor my heart rate and activities and my stamina and flexibility have improved each time I've been.  I am trying to challenge myself to work hard so that if (WHEN) I have to start chemo, I'll be in a better place physically.  It is also a great distraction at the moment.  I told one of the trainers about my lump and let her know that I plan to finish the 10 week program despite treatment.  It makes me sad to think about missing out on that.  After just three sessions, I feel better overall, mentally and physically.  Being there makes me feel like I'm doing something to make my condition better.  I have an upcoming appointment with the registered dietition there as well. 

My hair is growing like crazy.  I still like it short, but for some reason am very hesitant to cut it.  I have weird cowlicks in the front because I have a widow's peak, but I just sort of try to smooth them over as much as possible.  It is long enough now that it sort of feathers on the side sometimes and I don't care for that at all, but again, hesitant to get a haircut.  I don't use any products or anything on it.  I never have used much on my hair (well, not in the last 20 years!) and I don't think it would do any good or make it look any different than it does.  I love that it is low maintenance!

Well, I feel like this isn't much of an update because I haven't mentioned our new (very old) motorhome or all of the trips I've taken lately and I didn't mention Annabel and Scott at all.  That will have to wait for another post very soon! 

Jellybean jellybean jellybean jellybean jellybean jellybean JELLYBEAN

It has been yet another crazy week at the Hall house.  I am feeling lots better and got a good report from the plastic surgeon last Wednesday.  He is happy with his work and it was encouraging to hear him say that I am healing well.  I have to wear a sports bra for a few more days and am supposed to be massaging my chest to soften up the implants.  I was instructed to keep up the antibiotic ointment, gauze and sports bra for another week, so minimal fuss and no tape, which is nice.  My incisions are itchy and I have a little pain, but they look good.  My right side is still (and not shockingly) sore, to varying degrees of discomfort.  Some days it isn't too bad, but some days it hurts.  I am still mostly sleeping on my back, but I can finally stand to sleep on my sides for short periods of time.  I have had a little bit of insomnia the past few nights/mornings; I've woken up at 4 or 5 and can't go back to sleep until it's time to wake up.  It is frustrating to still have days where I'm not feeling great; I am ready to GO GO GO, but I am also still taking things slow and easy.  Most days are good and I am ecstatic that I feel like my health continues to improve. 

When I woke up at 5:30 this morning, I was thinking about what I was doing this time last year, the year before, etc.  It has been a pretty amazing few years with the highest of highs and really low lows.  This time last year, I was plodding along.  I was walking with Annabel a lot and had seen the doctor twice for the lump.  I was waiting for my ultrasound appointment that was scheduled in mid-May and while it was on my mind and causing a good bit of anxiety, I might have thrown out the possibility of cancer, but I didn't know it was raging inside me.  I was happy and enjoying spring weather and being a stay at home Mommmy.  The year before that, I was trying to get back into the swing of work life.  All I wanted to do was spend as much time as possible with my little baby.  Although I was so happy to be a Mommy, I was sad about leaving my shiny new baby at daycare every day and stressed out about the amount of preparation and organization required to pull off a normal weekday.  I felt like I was spending as much time (or more time) getting ready for the next day as I was spending with Annabel.  I was not happy with my job and was not happy being at work.  There had been a shake-up prior to my maternity leave and when I returned, I had to adjust to the new regime and my compensation plan had changed in such a way that it was unlikely that I was going to be able to hit any goals and therefore, make any bonuses or commissions.  I didn't like my manager and felt that there was a huge disconnect and lack of communication with my higher-ups.  I had always felt that I was recognized for a good work and work ethic, but I no longer felt that was the case.  Annabel's daycare also stressed me out.  We had chosen it mainly because it is so close to home, but I quickly found out that her caregivers were not very enthusiastic about breastfeeding and while they officially had an open door policy, I was not exactly welcomed to spend my lunch hour with Annabel every day to feed her.  It was very difficult to leave her in the care of people who, while loving and trustworthy, did not support breastfeeding.  Annabel rarely napped and frequently spent her time screaming (or so I was told).  I guess I had done her a disservice by holding her for the entirety of her first three months of life.  Oops!  I am sure these things would have been less horrible if I had been more committed to being a working Mom, but the truth was that at the time, I probably would have lived in a tent if it meant that I could be with my child.  Scott and I simply didn't think it was possible for us to survive on one income.  I was also expecting a bonus owed to me from before my leave and had to put in a minimum amount of time to get the payout for money that had already been earned.  The plan was that I would give it 6 months while we saved money and then we could re-evaluate our situation and see whether it would be possible for me to leave my job.  Exactly 6 months later, I was laid off.  While this was not my fault or my intention, I was thrilled to be thrown into unemployment so that I could stay at home with Annabel.  Otherwise, I'm not sure that we would have made the leap.  Year before last, I had just found out I was pregnant.  I was scared and excited and adjusting to a major lifestyle change.  It was the first time since Scott and I had been together where I felt that we weren't forging ahead experiencing the same thing, feeling the same thing, etc.  That sounds strange, but we had been so much the same for five years, while we could share the joy of my pregnancy, he could not know what it was like to have a baby in his belly and was not required to stop drinking beer or start eating right, etc.  Such began this phase of crazy changes in our lives that has gained momentum and is moving too fast for me to keep up with sometimes!

Annabel is keeping us on our toes.  Understatement!  She is really loving school right now, especially when she isn't there.  She told me on Thursday that she wants to go again and again and again and again and again....  Prompted by driving by her school on the way home from meeting Scott for lunch.  I assured her that she will DEFINITELY go to school again and again etc. and that I would surely remind her later of this enthusiasm.  I get the impression that she is still quiet and reserved at school, but she's taking it all in and spewing it back out when she comes home.  She is finally eating her lunch at school.  I had a brilliant idea to "pack" her lunch so that she could pretend at home.  Backfire!  As soon as I handed her the lunchbox, she became hysterical and told us that she wanted to go to school and now.  To be fair, I lost track of time and it was a little late for lunch.  She was so upset that I ended up putting her to bed for her nap before she even ate.  I tried, but it was no use!  When she woke up, I got her lunch out of the lunchbox and she ate it without further incident.  She was probably starving, though!  So, you never can tell.... 

The biggest news of the week is that Annabel is potty training.  We have had a potty and a potty seat for quite a while now and she plays with it and has occasionally made an attempt, but we are full throttle now.  I am sure that this has something to do with school.  No time like the present!  The only other successful attempt prior to this week was one time when she pee peed on the potty for Auntie Kim.  Not shockingly, Auntie Kim kicked off this whole potty initiative with a repeat performance last Monday morning before school.  We took her to school in underpants and she came home with the same (dry) clothes on, but with a diaper underneath her underpants.  She made an unsuccessful attempt on the potty at school, hence the diaper.  I thought that was a great idea to keep things going in a positive way and her teachers told me that they thought she was ready when Kim and I picked her up.  Scott kicked things in high gear by bringing home some Jelly Bellys and presenting them as the potty reward.  So far we have had a good amount of successes and a small amount of "incidents".  I am letting Annabel decide whether she wants to wear underpants, a diaper or nothing at all.  There has been lots of streaking and I think three puddles on the floor.  The biggest disaster so far has been, of course, of the number 2 variety.  It is a good thing that I think poop is funny because nothing was going right when it happened.  After a pee pee success, Annabel wanted to wear pajama pants with nothing underneath.  She had napped and peed and was playing nicely.  I looked up and noticed that she was frozen and had a panicky look on her face.  There was a very small puddle at her feet, but her drawers were droopy.  I calmly helped her out of her pants and held them shut as we headed to the bathroom...the door was LOCKED.  Thank you, Annabel.  The dogs became interested pretty quickly and as I was making my way up and down the hall trying to find something to pick the lock with, the poop dumped out in the hallway.  Shocker.  Anyone who has dogs can guess what happened next...right when I inevitably stepped in poop, Suki slurped some up.  I got the giggles so bad that I could barely manage to get the lock picked and finish what was left of clean-up....the floor, the poopy ass, my foot and the pajama bottoms.  Boy, do I love this potty training stuff!  Neko and Suki (the dogs) have been waiting for an Annabel poop snack for over 2 years now.  I was really worried that Neko was going to eat her stinky diapers off of her when she was a baby, so it was a monumental day for all of us.  As I was typing this, we had the 2nd number two accident (thankfully not as eventful as the first; Scott said she smelled bad and it looked like she had a potato in her underpants).  Looks like that is going to be a little tricky, but I am sure she will figure it out before too long.  I am pretty impressed thus far, but I am tired of the jellybean pleas.  I am SO proud of my baby!

I guess all of this big girlness is getting to her head because she has been living especially loud this week.  She is at about 110% whenever she is awake and has been as sassy as ever.  I'm sure she has said "NO" at least ten times as many times as she has said "jellybean", and that is A LOT.  She is even yelling at the TV.  Every time I open my mouth and say her name, she says no before I can even finish what I'm saying.  She also seems to have developed a "look" that I can only describe as WTF?, but it is endless and without blinking or flinching until (I assume) she feels like her point has been made and then made very well.  For example, I got THE LOOK the other night and it lasted so long that I had time to ask her why she was looking at me like that.  She kept it up, but added a really slow smile to let me know that she knows she is making a point.  I guess this is part of the terrible twos, but it is hard to navigate the days with all this drama.  I think I am amused to a fault because I probably let it go on longer than it should sometimes.  OK, most of the time.  It must be hard to be such a little thing learning how to be independent.  The other day, we went downtown for lunch and to get her some new shoes.  We were ready to leave, but by the time I got my purse and keys, she had taken her shoes off and put them on the wrong feet.  She refused my help and insisted on wearing them that way.  AND wanted to wear her jacket, zipped with the "hoooot" up even though it was 80 degrees outside.  To literally top things off, she grabbed one of her hats off the table on the way out the door to wear OVER the hood on her zipped up jacket.  Yikes.  I somehow talked her out of the extra hat when we were getting out of the car, but we walked two blocks to the store with shoes on the wrong feet and the hooded jacket.  Whenever I see a kid dressed weird, I always wonder what happened between the child and his/her mother that this was the compromise.  So, I was that lady.  When we got to the store, there were two people helping us and the woman saw what was going on and understood right away.  The guy was talking to me and stopped mid-sentence to ask Annabel whether she knew that her shoes were on the wrong feet.  He got THE LOOK and the woman told him that of course she knew.  I am sure that guy doesn't have kids.  Annabel walked another block to lunch like that, but Scott convinced her to put her new shoes on (the right feet) as we were leaving.  Oh, well.  At least she is not wearing a Halloween costume or something.  I saw a kid in a Halloween costume recently and it looked like it had been worn every day since last Halloween.  I guess there are varying degrees of toddler madness and I feel pretty lucky most of the time in this regard.  Lucky ALL the time to have such a wonderful child.   She is very entertaining!

Surgery and Recovery

Surgery went well!  I am recovering comfortably and moving back and forth from the bed to my chair in the den (the command center).  I'm not in pain when I sit still and it is manageable when I move around.  I am still taking pain medicine around the clock, but tomorrow I'll ease off and see how I feel.

Scott's Mom spent the night with us on Wednesday night so that we didn't have to worry about dropping Annabel off the morning of surgery or having Mimi drive all the way here.  I wasn't very stressed out the evening before or the morning of surgery.  We all left together, Scott and I to the outpatient surgery center and Mimi and Annabel to Lavonia.  Scott and I got to the surgery center on time at 9:30.  They took me back to the pre-op area right away.  A nurse came in to start an IV soon after that and she gave me some versed to take the edge off.  My surgery was scheduled for 11:00, but I guess they were running late.  My plastic surgeon came in and marked me up and then I was on my way!  When I got to the operating room, I saw my plastic surgeon's nurse and everyone else introduced themselves.  It was good to see a familiar face in there!  I should say it was nice to hear a familiar voice because I couldn't see anything.  I had to leave my glasses with Scott.  I wasn't awake in the operating room for very long before they put me to sleep.  The next thing I remember is being in the recovery room.  I felt a little queasy, so I got something for nausea and I'm not sure how long I was there before they let me go home.  I was really impressed with everyone at the surgery center; they were all very professional and made me very comfortable while I was there.   Scott and I were home by 3:00.

When Scott and I got home, I went straight to bed and slept pretty much until Friday afternoon.  I have just been resting since surgery and Scott is taking good care of me.  Kim got here last night and Scott is going to get Annabel this afternoon.  I miss her so much!  I can't wait to see her!

So far, I like my new boobs, but they seem small.  I haven't examined them too much.  It looks like he used the incisions under my bumps to put the implants in.  There is only gauze and tape under my boobs all the way to my sides, so the top part is exposed and they seem flat and smallish.  I am trying to keep in mind that they will look different as I heal.  I started wearing a sports bra yesterday afternoon as directed by my doctor.  I am glad to have the new boobs, but I know I will be disappointed if they don't fluff out.  My follow up appointment isn't until Wednesday and I'm anxious to see my doctor and hear what he has to say about it.  Scott said that my doctor was happy with surgery and that there wasn't much evidence of infection in there when he took my expanders out.  It was a relief to hear that; I was really worried that I'd wake up from surgery with one boob or something.  Also, no drains were required and I'm really happy about that. 

I am including before and after pictures.  As you can see, I have a furry nurse!  Suki has been stuck to me like glue.