Spring Fever!

Our lives seem to be especially busy lately and I am happy to report that I am keeping the pace!  I really feel a lot better these days and seem to have less fatigue.  I still lay down with Annabel at naptime, but I am starting to feel fidgety about it.  I typically don't nap with her, but there are days that I fall fast asleep.  When I don't, I just have some quiet time and catch up on my tv shows or play on the computer.  The weather is still amazing here.  Our springs are really short; it doesn't take long around here for things to heat up to unbearable with high humidity, so it's nice to be able to spend time outside during the day and especially in the evenings when Scott comes home.  We do have lots of pollen, but it hasn't been bad enough to keep us inside or close the windows the past few days.  Annabel loves to play on her playground and in her sandbox.  She picks lots of flowers...and weeds...and rocks....and leaves.  Lots of little presents!  She doesn't like bugs or worms or snakes and is always quick to point out an ant or worm and tell them to go away.  Ah, the great outdoors!

I have been busy trying to get ready for my exchange surgery.  Mostly just getting laundry caught up and organizing things so that Scott can find Annabel's clothes, diapers, etc. to get her dressed and changed.  I don't want to sit around staring at messes while I convalesce (like every other day!).  My doctor and his nurse insist that I am not going to be in much pain and fully expect an easy, comfortable recovery, so I don't have too much anxiety at the moment.  Besides, this is the good stuff!  I am going in with three bumps (counting my port) and coming out with two new and improved bumps.  I decided to go with silicone gel implants and we are shooting for a C cup.  I guess my doctor doesn't like to make any guarantees in that regard because when I asked him about it again, he said "depending on the bra".  I didn't ask him to elaborate, but now I sort of wish that I had.  I am not too worried about it.  He says that many of his reconstruction patients don't have to wear a bra unless they choose to, so I am definitely good with that.  I have a feeling that I will want to wear one because I already know that the right side is going to sit higher than the left.  He will do his best, but the skin is not the same after radiation and it's common for this to happen.  He's really happy with the way my chest looks going into surgery.  I have recovered nicely from radiation and the redness/irritation from the infection has gone away.  Up until last week, my right boob bump looked really nasty.  It was like a really bad sunburn and was scaly and flaky and gross.  My skin is still dry and the right side is slightly tanned, but a serious improvement from the last part of radiation and recovery from it.  It is outpatient surgery, so I don't even have to spend the night in the hospital.  Scott will take Thursday off and work from home on Friday.  Annabel is going to stay with Mimi and PopPop for a few nights and then Kim will be here on Saturday night to help out/visit and take Annabel to school and pick her up on Monday.  The doctor expects me to do basically nothing or next to it for 3 to 4 days and then I can ramp back up, but I won't be able to pick Annabel up for at least two weeks.  I think we'll be ok with that; I'll just have to budget more time when we have to go somewhere because she dawdles when she has to climb in and out of her carseat herself.  I am hopeful that things will go off without a hitch and this doesn't set me back too much.  It scares me to get too excited about it, but I am really looking forward to eradicating the discomfort from these expanders, losing the port, quitting the antibiotics and getting permanent implants. 

Scott and I went to Tybee Island/Savannah for vacation at the beginning of the month.  We really had a great time together and with our friends Lennie and Courtney.  We got to Tybee in the late afternoon and stopped at the Crab Shack for late lunch/early dinner.  YUM!  I finally got my big heaping pile of shellfish.  It lived up to the hype.  Court and Lennie met us there when they got to town and Lennie helped Scott and I finish what was left of dinner.  We all went together to get settled into the condo.  It was really nice and in a great location.  It overlooked the pool area, but was right around the corner from the beach, pier and restaurants and shops on Tybee.  Right in the middle of the action!  Scott and I had to leave pretty soon after we got there because we had tickets to see Wilco in Savannah.  It is about a 20 minute drive, so we had to get back in the car again.  I love to see my favorite band, but I was pretty exhausted from spending all day in the car and I really just wanted to relax and hit the hay.  We ended up leaving 3 songs before the end so that we could get back to the condo and go to bed.  The weather was beautiful on Friday and we went for a walk on the beach and then sat by the pool before taking an afternoon nap.  We drove into Savannah on Friday night for a haunted pub crawl.  It was my idea and I was really the only one "on board", but everyone else conceded when I pointed out that we wouldn't know which bars to go to otherwise.  I was doing my best to convince them that if nothing else, we would have fun bar hopping and seeing the sites.  I enjoyed the stories and even got a picture of a ghost!!  I was excited about the orbs, but this weekend I showed the pictures to our friends and our neighbor Shannon pointed out the GHOST between the orbs!!  Pretty cool.  I wasn't ever scared during the tour, but I did think that the 2nd floor of the Moon River Brewery was creepy and that is where I got the pictures.  We just relaxed on Saturday afternoon and then went to the Crab Shack for dinner again for another big pile of shellfish.  Scott and I had tickets to see She & Him on Saturday night in Savannah and we were in a rush to get there because dinner took longer than expected.  We ended up missing most of the show and only caught the last 4 or 5 songs.  We had to pack up on Sunday morning to check out of the condo and head back to Lavonia to pick up Annabel.  We had lunch at the Moon River on the way out of town before we said goodbye to Lennie and Courtney and hit the road.  It was a wonderful weekend!  The perfect mix of dates with my husband and spending time with Court and Lennie.  I hope we can go back soon.  I really enjoyed both Tybee and Savannah and I'd love to take Annabel to the beach sometime this summer, either before it gets too hot or after it cools down some.  Here is the ghost picture....look between the orbs and see if you see him!!  He's on the right side of the picture as if he were posing for me!  Obviously this was not "doctored".  I am not very tech-savvy.  Whether or not you believe in ghosts, this is really a neat picture!  See it?

We went to Knoxville for Easter weekend.  On Friday night, Scott and my Dad went to see George Strait and I went over to Jeff's house and hung out with he and Suz on the porch.  It was a great time!  Jeff fired up the chiminea and had a fridge full of yummy beers to try.  We took Annabel to an Easter Egg hunt on Saturday afternoon and then went out to dinner.  Annabel wasn't too impressed with the Easter bunny, but she enjoyed the egg hunt and carried her Easter basket around for a few days.  The Easter bunny visited her again on Sunday and she got lots of goodies, candy and otherwise.  We went to brunch and then headed home.  The interstate is still closed through the mountains for a rock slide, so we had to take the windy road through the mountains.  It is a nice drive on a pretty day!  We haven't really enjoyed the detour much since the rock slide because it was treacherous at times during the winter.  I will still be glad when I-40 opens up again and we can cut some time off of our trips to Knoxville.

I had a few doctor's appointments last week....a follow-up with my radiation oncologist and pre-op with the plastic surgeon and then to the outpatient surgery center for more pre-op.  Annabel seems to be enjoying Mother's Morning Out.  She is exhausted and crabby when I pick her up, but chats about it in the evenings.  She is also eager to get there on school days and I am happy to report that she is eating her lunch.  She is just going on Mondays and Tuesdays from 9 to 2.  The picture up top was taken on the ride home from school today.  Yeah....she doesn't want to talk about it!  I guess she needs some time to process it all.  I have spent some time lately wondering where my baby has gone.  She is growing up so fast! 

Last weekend was busy again.  We went out for dinner on Friday night and then went to see our friend Andrea's band.  They play outside at a shopping center on the weekends, so we got a table outside with Steven and Brad and had a beer.  It was nice to be able to take Annabel down there to do something different and I think that she enjoyed it, too.  She got some pink ice cream out of it, too!  On Saturday night, we grilled out here.  Scott made ribs and it was great to have friends over and be social.  I haven't really felt like it much since I've been so run down and in various phases of treatment, so it was especially nice to get caught up.  Annabel did a great job of entertaining herself (within eyeshot) and was pretty sociable as well.  We spent the day with Scott's parents on Sunday.  They came up here to visit and we went out to lunch and sat outside for a bit, too.  Mario and Shannon had us over for delicious dinner on Sunday night.  It was so good to get to spend time with friends!

This morning as I was walking Annabel into school, a woman walked past me and said that she loved my hair!  She truly made my day and I wanted to grab her and hug her, but I resisted the urge.  I just thanked her and smiled a whole lot for a long time afterward.  It wasn't very long ago that people noticed me because I was a hairless, bandana-wearing Mom.  That lady thought I did this to my hair on purpose!  I do like it, but I guess I can now confirm (instead of hoping) that I don't look like the former chemo patient that I am.  I'm in need of a ear and neck trim.  Today, I decided to see what would happen if I didn't brush it after I took a shower.  I just ran my fingers through it and it looks better than it did the last time I brushed it when it was wet.  It is still really short, so it's hard to tell whether it is going to be curly, but it definitely has some waves in it at this point. 

Today, I met with the counselor at the Cancer Society.  I go to the support groups, but sometimes go to see her alone.  I guess I needed some reassurance that this phase of my journey is normal.  I am having problems staying focused on tasks.  I feel like I get distracted really easily and am very forgetful.  I think I have this constant undercurrent of anxiety taking up too much space in my brain.  That and/or chemo brain....and/or radiation....I don't know.  I have a prescription for anti-depressants, but I am not ready to pull the trigger on that just yet.  I don't feel sad; I just feel overwhelmed at times.  I am definitely an advocate of anti-depressants when necessary, but I just feel like I need to get through this in the most authentic way possible.  She said that what I'm feeling is normal and I think I just need to get through the process of dealing with what's left behind from cancer and treatment.  The anxiety is not like the panic attacks that I was having after my diagnosis; it's just there, occupying space and occasionally tossing out a little "food for thought", lest I become too comfortable in my lack of cancerness.  I don't know how else to explain it.  I also don't know how to make it better, but I think it's just part of the journey and as long as I'm ok and Scott and Annabel are ok, I will just keep plowing forward.  I am confident that time will take care of it, and if not, I will find something that does, whether it be anti-depressants or therapy....we'll see.

That's the news!  This time in two days, I'll be recovering from surgery.  Call me & I'll tell you all my secrets while I'm drugged up.  On second thought, maybe wait until Friday, at least.  Here are a few pictures that were taken on recent adventures.  The second is of Annabel and I with my brother Jeff and my sister Kim.  Rarely is every looking the same direction AND smiling!  The first is our "scary" picture from the ghost tour in Savannah with Court and Lennie.  Good times!

Update

Annabel was eager to go back to school last Tuesday, which was a pleasant surprise.  Kim was here visiting and went with me to drop her off.  I was worried that my doctor's appointment would run late and Kim would need to pick her up.  I am glad that she was here because my appointment did indeed run late.  Kim reported that she was happy and chatty when she picked her up.  She still didn't eat one bite of her lunch at school.  The teacher told Kim that she pushed her chair back from the table and observed the other kids eating, but didn't seem upset or anything.  I am hoping that she will join in next time she goes to school.  Unfortunately, she missed both yesterday and today because she's been sick (AGAIN!) since Thursday.  I was hopeful that she'd be able to go this morning, but she had yet another explosive diaper situation after she ate breakfast.  Poor baby! 

As I mentioned last week, I was really nervous about my check-up with my oncologist.  I was worried that seeing her would cause more anxiety than relief.  When I got there, I had to have my port accessed for the first time in quite a while.  My port is supposed to be flushed every 3 to 6 weeks and it had been a lot longer than that, so I got a short lecture and tsk tsk from the nurse.  Oops.  My copay is $50 every time I walk in the door, whether or not I see a doctor, so I wasn't in a hurry to get in there to pay $50 to get stabbed in the chest with a needle.  Anyway, luckily she was able to get blood out for the lab.  They always leave the needle in just in case the doctor orders more tests, then send me back to the lobby to wait for the doctor.  Scott was with me and we waited and waited.  Usually they aren't running far behind, if at all.  It was not a good day to have to wait longer than usual!  When we finally saw the doctor, she was very apologetic about the delay, so that at least made things better.  She also reassured me about my recovery and cancer-free future.  I told her about my surgery date and she agreed to have my plastic surgeon remove my port during surgery!  I am happy to get rid of it!  We also discussed the oncology rehabilitation program.  She advised me to wait until I recover from surgery to start, so I will hopefully start that at the beginning of May.  I was happy with the appointment and felt more confident about future screenings, etc. when I left.  

I got some really exciting news last week.  I applied for a young cancer survivor kayaking camp in February and was waiting for my oncologist to submit the medical review to be accepted.  The paperwork was finally sent in last week and I was accepted to the camp!  I'll be going to Vail in early August to learn how to kayak!  I learned about the camp from Kim's friend Karson.  She attended last year and it looks like it's going to be an incredible experience.  I am looking forward to the challenge, but I'm really nervous about being away from home for a whole week, by myself.  That will be the longest time away from Annabel and I'm worried about how much I'll be able to call/email home.  Vail is one of my most favorite places on the planet and I can't wait to go there in the summertime.  I have gone white water rafting a handful of times and I find the rapids both thrilling and terrifying at the same time, so I have a feeling that I am either going to love kayaking or be really freaked out.  Regardless, I think it will be a great challenge and I am up for it!  Jeff is a kayaker and likens the experience to skiing, which I love.  Very cool that I will get to be a part of it.....here is a link.....http://www.firstdescents.org/.  Amazing!  And what a lucky girl I am!

Kim was here last week for the first time in a long time.  We had a great visit and it was reminiscent of "old times", pre-cancer.  There for a while, I needed help and it was frustrating and disappointing to me that I couldn't be a hostess and/or visit and do fun things when we had company.  So it was nice for Kim to be here and for things to be mostly normal.  She is recovering well from her surgery and is going back to work next Tuesday.  We did some shopping, but mostly just hung out and enjoyed Annabel's company together. 

Tomorrow, Scott and I are going to Tybee Island/Savannah for a long weekend!  I am really excited about it, even though I know I'll miss Annabel a whole lot.  She has stayed with her Mimi and Pop Pop for three nights before, but we have never been farther than 45 minutes away from her.  A mini-vacation is in order, though!  I look forward to celebrating the end of treatment and having a nice break before I gear up for my surgery next month.  The forecast for Friday is sunny and 75; my favorite!  I am going to eat a mountain of fresh shellfish and I think we are also going to take a haunted pub crawl.  I am sure it will be good times!

On the hair front, it continues to grow and I'm going to need another neck & ear trim before too long!  I never would have gotten my hair cut short, but I am loving it!  It is absolutely maintenance free.  Kim and Scott and both trying to encourage me to use product, but I don't see the point with it still being so short.  I do have a few cowlicks, but nothing that can't be tamed with water and a pat-down.  Sometimes I forget to check the back, but Annabel is excellent to let me know that my hair is sticking up....ALWAYS when we are in the car on our way somewhere!  I guess my cowlick is directly in her line of sight when I am driving.  I am trying to encourage her to point it out before we leave the house so that I can do something about it, but so far, not much luck with that.  It has lots of gray, but I haven't made a decision whether to do anything about it.  Currently, I wear it proudly.  I am not inclined to start the merry-go-round of hair dye.  It is hard to stop once you start and I really enjoy the lack of effort required right now.  LOVING no hats, no ponytails, no hair in my face or making my neck hot, etc.  It is nice to enjoy the moment since I was bald and yearning for hair for the months that I didn't have any, then have spent the last few months wishing it to grow fast.

That is the update!  We have another spring-like day today and it really does a lot for my mood and my outlook.  Annabel and I are off to take advantage of the weather and play outside!

 

 

School is Cool

Today was Annabel's first day of Mother's Day Out.  I am so proud of her!  We had a rough night last night because of the time change and Annabel didn't get to sleep until very late.  I was worried that would make for a bad morning, but it was painless despite all of the preparations required to get out the door.  We talked about school while she ate breakfast and then we made her lunch together and put it in her lunchbox.  She wanted a cheese and mustard sandwich, apple slices and cookies and chocolate milk to drink (of course!).  I also threw in a box of raisins because I knew the apples would brown a little even though they'd be refrigerated.  I was ready for resistance when it was time to get dressed (because that would be the norm), but again, incident-free.  We made it out the door as planned, which is unusual.

The program starts at 9, but I had already planned to get her there late this morning to skip the commotion of all the other kids getting dropped off since it was her first day.  Before we got out of the car, I told her again what was going to happen when we went inside.  She did not like the part about me leaving, but I assured her that it was going to be okay and she would have fun.  We went in and I walked her to class.  We took a spin around the room to look at the toys and books.  When she let go of me, her teacher Miss Beth was taking care of the business of distraction, so I gave her a kiss and reminded her that I would see her after lunch. She didn't cry, but I could tell that she was trying hard not to and I knew exactly how she felt because I was doing my best not to cry, too.  I went to the office to handle the paperwork and watched on the video monitor from there.  She stuck close to the teacher and watched the other kids.  Before I left, I got to look into her classroom for a few minutes.  She was still standing next to the chair where her teacher sat, but she looked a little more interested in all the activity.  I got in the car at 10:00 and headed home.

I accomplished more this morning than I have been able to do in the past few months!  On my way home, I stopped by Dunkin Donuts to get my free Monday coffee.  I was fueled by caffeine and managed to clean the kitchen, knock out some laundry, organize Annabel's drawers and fill a bin of stuff for the attic.  I also dusted the bedroom and changed the sheets.  I even dusted the blinds!  I don't know that the blinds had ever been dusted, they were so dirty.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am not a good housekeeper, but today I was really motivated.  I spend so much time at home lately, you would think I'd manage to keep it cleaner, but it is really hard with a 2 year old's "help".  So it felt like a real luxury to have the house to myself to get things done.  I turned the music up loud and kept moving until it was time to get Annabel.

I left the house at around 1 and when I got to the church, Annabel's class was playing outside.  I went to the room to get her stuff and discovered that she didn't eat one bite of her lunch.  When I got outside to the playground, she just stared at me for a minute.  I'm not quite sure if she didn't believe I was there or if she is just mad at me for leaving her.  She was still close to her teacher, but the other two girls in her class were right there, too.  Miss Beth said that Annabel did well for her first day.  She kept to herself a lot and was quiet, but she did talk to the teachers and to the other kids.  As we were going back inside, Annabel told one of the little girls that her hair clip was falling out.  I think I was there a little too early because one kid asked where his Mommy was and another little girl told me that her Mommy would be there soon and that her Daddy is at work.  So cute!  Annabel has not told me much about her day; I have had to ask a lot of questions and I don't get the same answers every time.  I guess that's the way it's going to be?  When we got to the car, she fell apart a little bit because she wanted her drink, but she was fine when I handed her the chocolate milk that she didn't drink at lunchtime.  As soon as we walked in the door, she wolfed down her sandwich and apples and now she is taking a nap.  It was a long day for her!

Scott and I were pretty amazed this weekend about Annabel's increasing conversational skills and sense of humor.  We got her a new doll at Target on Saturday that sort of looks like her.  I think she wants to name the doll Annabel, but she wouldn't say it, so we kept asking.  "What do you want to name your doll?"  "Me."  "You want to name your doll "Me"?"  "No, me."  "You want to name your doll "Nomi"?"  "No, me."  And on and on and on.  This cracks me up to no end, so I just perpetuate it.  Luckily, she thinks it's funny, too, if not slightly annoying.  After Target, we went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch.  Annabel was eating chips and salsa and I could tell that she got something hot in her mouth.  I asked her if the salsa was hot and she told me no, it was spicy!?!  I have no idea where she learned that, but Scott and I were impressed.  We had to make another trip to Target last night and Scott pointed out a shirt in the toddler department and Annabel told him it was a boy's shirt.  Of course, it was, but I have no idea how she knows this!?!  He tested her a few minutes later with another boy's shirt and same thing.  Hilarious!

My exchange surgery is tentatively scheduled for April 15th.  I was pleasantly surprised to learn that it is outpatient surgery.  The coordinator at my plastic surgeon's office hasn't gotten confirmation of the date yet, but I will know for sure on Friday when I go back for my usual follow-up appointment.  I am not sure what the recovery from this surgery will be like, but I know it is not as major as the mastectomy.  If all goes as planned, he will just use the incisions from my mastectomy and deflate the expanders to remove them.  He plans to clean the area with antibiotics before he puts the implants in and then he will sew/glue me up and send me on my way!  I haven't read the literature that I brought home last week, but he has suggested silicone gel implants.  I guess there are other options and he said that if I'm going to obsess over the things popping, that I should consider another option.  With saline, if it pops, the saline is absorbed by your body and that is not so with the gel.  I don't plan on obsessing over it, so I am going to go with what he suggests.  If I hate them or they don't work (look nice), they will just have to be replaced. 

On Sunday afternoon, Shannon and I went to Yoga for Women's Health together.  I was nervous about it because I still have pain and I don't think I have full range of motion in my right arm/shoulder.  I use it normally, but it is just not the same because of the lymph node removal.  I am really happy that I went!  I was able to pretty much fully participate and while some of the poses were challenging, I didn't ever feel like I was going too far or causing damage.  I got a good stretch and found it to be very relaxing and refreshing.  I have been to yoga a few times before, but this time, I felt more "into" it.  The instructor was really helpful in explaining everything explicitly without dumbing it down too much or going over my non-yoga-minded head.  I also think I finally "got" the breathing thing.  I really enjoyed the class and plan to go whenever possible, hopefully once a week.  There is another class there that I want to try called Restorative Yoga and it is for people with chronic conditions or who are recovering from illness or injury.  I was going to try that today, but I am a little sore from yesterday, so I'll wait until next week.  Other than a little soreness in my hips and legs, I have some burning in my chest muscles.  My chest muscles feel like they might be old, brittle rubber bands.  Again, hoping that is a radiation thing and it will get better.  I am also looking forward to starting the oncology rehab program, but I am not sure whether my oncologist will want me to start before or after my surgery.

Tomorrow is my first 3 month follow-up appointment with my oncologist.  I am nervous about it because I'm afraid that going there will cause more anxiety than relief or confidence.  I am not sure that I will have any tests or screenings to make sure that it is gone or hasn't come back.  I guess I will be nervous either way and going to the oncologist is just a(nother) reminder of cancer.  I have a lot of questions for her, but I haven't made my list yet, so I need to work on that this evening.  Three months is a long time between appointments, so I need to make sure that I cover all of my questions and concerns.  I have mostly felt that I get proper attention during my doctor's visits, but I am worried that might be different now that this is a "follow-up" visit.  I don't like it when doctors are dismissive or quick to run through the necessary information exchange.  Again, I have not ever felt like that with my oncologist, but I haven't really seen her much since my surgery.

So, that's another update in a short amount of time!  I am glad that there is good and exciting news to report.  I do like to update my blog, but it is really hard to do if I can't devote some quiet time and concentration; it's difficult with the stops and starts of a normal day and sometimes I'll start a post, but by the time I get back to it, it's old news and gets scrapped.  Such is life!

Movin' Right Along

Annabel approves of the silicone gel breast implants.  They are apparently good for patting and jiggling around and if there's one thing Annabel loves, it's things that jiggle! 

I finished radiation last week.  I was originally told that I would have 25 regular treatments and 8 "boosts", but my radiation oncologist decided against the boosts, therefore shortening my treatment by a week and a half.  I was pretty ecstatic about that because I was starting to get uncomfortable towards the end of my treatment.  I have also had lots of fatigue in the past month.  Luckily, it has been on and off and not really very constant.  As far as the other effects of radiation, I look like I have a really bad sunburn.  The blistering has healed, but I am tan and burned and itchy in spots.  I have a patch of skin in my armpit that looks like it belongs on an elephant.  I still don't have a lot of feeling, but I have had pain as a result of radiation.  Mostly under my arm and my chest muscles.  My skin feels sort of brittle and so do my muscles.  Yesterday I described it sort of like Play Doh.  When you first get a can and open it, it is pliable and adheres to itself really well.  When it dries out, it gets sort of cracked around the edges and doesn't stick together as well and has a tendency to crumble.  I am not sure whether a doctor would agree with my comparison, but that is sort of what it looks like and feels like.  I am trying to keep it moisturized to help it heal and am using both aloe and Aquaphor.  The Aquaphor is like Vaseline, so it is sticky and gross.  I only use that before bed.  I have heard that some people have serious burns from radiation, so I guess my reaction is normal and maybe on the good side since I haven't had too many problems, mostly just discomfort and fatigue.  I am certainly glad to put that phase of treatment behind me!  It also marks the end of active treatment for me, so it is a pretty big milestone.

I am still seeing my plastic surgeon weekly so that he can keep an eye on whatever is going on with my right side.  It still has a red patch, but he doesn't necessarily think that I have an infection because the fluid that he removes every week is coming out clear, which is apparently a good thing.  We have just decided to say that something isn't right and I am continuing to take antibiotics (going on two months now).  The plan is to continue follow up visits until he feels that my skin has healed well enough for exchange surgery.  The typical time frame for exchange is no sooner than 6 months after radiation, but that is not a good plan for me because of the irritation on the right side.  My doctor feels that it would be safer to go ahead and take the expanders out and blast everything with antibiotics before putting implants in and glueing/stitching me back up.  I thought that I would get my surgery date today based on our conversation last week, but it hasn't been scheduled yet.  He is aiming for early April, but we are going to make it tentative to allow me to continue to heal from radiation. 

As my treatment is winding down, I am finding lots of joy in trying to get back to normal.  We have had some warm weather here and there and that just does wonders to lighten my mood and make me feel better.  There is nothing like Vitamin Sunshine!  We have lots of fun stuff coming up in the next few months to look forward to.  We have a long weekend trip planned for the end of this month to Savannah.  Scott bought me tickets to see my favorite band for my birthday, so we have been planning this for months now and it's finally right around the corner!  We are meeting our friends Lennie and Courtney there and plan to celebrate both Court's birthday and the end of treatment.  I have had a craving for shellfish since my weekend trip to Charleston last month, so I'm planning to eat fresh seafood and will hopefully be able to convince everyone to take a ghosty pub crawl. 

Annabel is, as always, growing up faster than I can comprehend.  On Monday, she is going to start going to a Mother's Day Out program twice a week.  This has happened rather quickly, so I am doing my best to talk about school and get her revved up about it.  I am sure it will be harder for me than it will be for her next week!  Scott and I have been talking about finding a program for her so that she can socialize with other kids, but hadn't really done anything about it until this week.  I am sure that she will enjoy it and it will give me time to get some things done around the house and run errands.  I also plan to schedule doctor's appointments and such while she's at school, too.  The hours are 9 to 2, so she will eat lunch there.  It is downtown, so when it gets a little nicer outside, I can walk her to school or pick her up on foot.  It isn't exactly up the street, but it is not too far.  Before cancer, we took lots of long walks around town.  I am hoping that I will have the stamina to start up again very soon. 

Annabel's favorite things to do at the moment are playing hide and seek and pretending with her Yo Gabba Gabba figurines.  It is sort of difficult to play hide and seek with a 2 year old, but we play a few times a day usually.  I am never sure if I should be hiding or if I am "It".  It is hard not to laugh when I'm hiding because she wanders around calling my name.  She can count to five now, but her favorite number is still two.  She also (finally) said her own name yesterday.  So freaking cute!  Scott was coaching her on what she might say at school.  "My name is Annabel.  I am 2.  I love to jump!".  Ha, ha.  She doesn't like to watch Yo Gabba Gabba on tv, but she has been playing with the YGG figurines nonstop for a few days now.  She lets them take turns driving her dump truck around the room and they often stop at the Little People house to go potty and "go seep".  Sometimes they cry and sometimes they are hungry.  I love to watch and listen to her play.  She makes me laugh all the time!  I love being her Mommy!

Next week is going to be my first visit to my oncologist in three months.  It has been a busy three months, but I think it has gone by pretty fast.  I have lots of questions for her and will probably spend the days up until my appointment composing a list.  I am not sure what (if any) screenings she will schedule.  I guess I am a little nervous about it because of the length of time between visits now.  I feel like I have less anxiety than I did in the beginning, but that is because after a while, I took comfort in knowing that I was actively doing everything that I could to get rid of cancer.  Now I feel like I don't have that safety net....I put it out of my mind as much as possible, but a visit to the oncologist brings it all back.  I hope it will be an encouraging visit.  And I also hope that she will give me the go ahead to have my port removed. 

My hair is growing and growing.  It's still very short, obviously, but I had my first haircut two weeks ago!  It was only a trim around my ears and my neck, but still a haircut.  I can't complain much about it.  I'm glad to have it and it is an added bonus that it is so low maintenance.  I think it is almost long enough that it might look it's short on purpose instead of like a former chemo patient.  It makes me feel a little more "normal". 

Well, that's the update!  I never mean to go so long between updates, but time has a way of getting away from me lately!  Here is a not so good picture of Scott and I from a few weeks ago...so you can see that my hair is, in fact, growing....

Update

Well, it has been a whole month since my last update.  I never mean to go that long and I guess a lot has happened since my last post.  Before I get started, though....Holy shit!  It is snowing in Greenville, SC!!!  This never happens and I am hoping that it doesn't stick.  I have no use for this crap.  No skiing this year = no need for winter.  So, go away, Snow!  Move along! 

Shortly after my last update, I went to the radiation oncologist to get started with radiation.  My appointment to get "marked" was on the 20th of last month.  Scott's mom came up to watch Annabel because I had a lot to do that day.  The appointment didn't last long and aside from the discomfort caused by my arms (the right, particularly) being over my head in the CT scan, I was ready to go and run the rest of my errands.  I had to go to the unemployment office and had to wait in line for 3 hours there.  Not pleasant and by the time I got home, I was pretty tired.  When I sat down, I also realized that I was in a good amount of pain.  Mimi left to go home and I fed Annabel and got in bed with her.  Scott had a work dinner that night and was home by 10.  The pain medication that I took didn't even touch whatever was going on.  By the time Scott came home, I was freaked out and crying because I was in so much pain and was not feeling well and was also running a low fever.  I called the doctor at around 11, took some medicine as recommended and tried to sleep.  I was to call her back if anything changed and at around 3, I woke up and threw up a few times and was in excruciating pain.  When I called back, the doctor told me to go to the ER.  I was having trouble getting a good breath because of the pain, my fever was worse and I just felt awful.  I went ahead to the ER and Scott called his parents to come up (again!) to be with Annabel so that he could meet me up there.  I had x-rays and scans, but they didn't ever find anything and sent me home quite doped up.  Scott had to leave for work while I was there and his Dad came to the hospital and sat with me for the rest of the time that I was in the ER.  I was glad for his company, but I am scared to think what we might have talked about because I was WHACK on whatever they gave me when I got there.  I do remember dozing on and off and waking up muttering about something and he gave me a funny look, so who the heck knows what I said!  A few days later, I also had an ultrasound on my abdomen to rule out any gall bladder issues.  That day or the next, the lower half of my expander (boobal area) was blazing red and hot to touch.  Sooooo....I have an infection.  Since the 20th, I have been on round after round of antibiotics (5, I think) and have seen my plastic surgeon once or twice a week.  At this morning's visit, we discussed the options in case it doesn't continue to improve.  Hopefully it will continue to get better so that he doesn't have to surgically intervene.  Every time I've seen him, he has gotten out a massive needle to extract fluid from the area under my expander.  Thankfully, I don't have any feeling down there, but it is unpleasant anyway.  Now he says that the fluid looks less infected, so I am hoping that it is really clearing  up and going away.  The infected area looks really gross now and is peeling and crusty around my incisions, but the doctor says that is a sign of healing.  I have been in pain and have also been very run down for weeks now, so it has been sort of a rough time. 

I started radiation on the 27th and will have 33 total treatments.  I go to the Cancer Center every morning during the week for my 8:00 zap.  So far, I have completed 12.  As yet, I don't have any side effects and don't notice any changes to my skin.  I have been told by the radiation techs and the doctor that I will start noticing a burn pretty soon.  If all goes as planned, I will finish radiation on March 15th.  The Ides of March!  Getting radiation is sort of like getting an x-ray.  I go in and change into a gown on top.  When they call me, I go back to the radiation room and take the gown off and lay on my back on the table.  I have to put my arms over my head in armrests and then the techs make sure that I am lined up by checking the marks they have made on my chest (lots of marker and many sticky stickers that don't fall off in the shower).  I stay put and the machine moves around; the techs come in between each of the three zaps to recheck my alignment and move the machine to the next spot.  Every other day, they put a gel pad over my chest to trick the machine into thinking that my skin is thicker so that my actual skin gets some of that good old radiation.  It is all very systematic, which is both disturbing and comforting at the same time.  Once a week on Mondays, they weigh me.  On Wednesdays, I see the radiation oncologist for a quick visit and on Thursdays, I get x-rays so that they can make sure that their precision machine is zapping me in exactly the right place.  I leave the house every day by 7:40 (well, that's the goal) and am back home by 8:30, so Scott is going to work late while I have radiation.  

During all of this mess, I decided to quit the clinical trial.  I was supposed to start the Avastin infusions on the 25th of last month, but with everything else going on, I was so worried about it.  It just didn't feel right for some reason and then I found an article that indicated that about half of a small group of women on the study had failed reconstruction after restarting the drug post surgery.  I also know that there is no guarantee that Avastin prevents recurrence, so I was even more trepidatious about starting the trial again.  I spoke with my chemo nurse, the trial nurse and my oncologist (and of course, Scott) about it and came to the conclusion that I would not continue with the trial.  I didn't mess things up for them; they will still be able to use the information to this point and I elected to continue to be available for monitoring, etc.  I still feel confident in my decision.  I think the additional treatment would also bring me additional stress and it just seemed like a neverending road to have 30 more weeks of that in front of me.

Treatment, treatment and more treatment.  I spoke with one of my brother Jeff's paddling buddies the other day who just happens to be a well respected gynecologic oncologist (try to say that out loud 3 times!).  I wanted to talk to him about the impending oopherectomy (ovary removal).  My gynecologist had recommended a hysterectomy and when I stopped for a minute to think about that, I wanted to speak with someone else to get another opinion.  It seems a little much to just remove all those lady parts when only the ovaries need to go.  Dr. C recommends just the oopherectomy; he thinks that a hysterectomy is unnecessary in my case and that my recovery time will be longer.  He also reminded me that it is ok to slow down because as long as I am getting regular screening, there is no rush to go under the knife for this immediately.  It was very cool to have a candid conversation with a doctor.  My sister Karen has a friend who is a surgeon up north and I have spoken to him a few times throughout my treatment to ask for another opinion.  I feel like both of these guys have helped me immensely with their objective opinions and I feel like their input has provided both reassurance and the confidence to really talk to my doctors about my concerns and questions.   

My hair is growing back!!  I have hair!!  I am so excited about it.  It is still super short and while I'd like to think it's Mia Farrow-ish circa Rosemary's Baby, it is really more Monchichi right now.  Not very glamourous!  It also has lots and lots of gray.  I do not care.  I am glad to have it and I even like the way it looks at the moment.  It is still so short that it is zero maintenance, but I have enough of it to use SHAMPOO, which is really cool considering how I have been washing my head with soap for months now.  I even have bad hair moments now!  Sometimes it will poke up and look a little unruly.  So exciting!  Pretty soon, it is going to start looking weird because it is long enough on my neck and over my ears that I might need a trim.  I don't want to end up with a mullet or anything.

As far as the boobal area goes, I am getting used to the way that the expanders look and am grateful to have two that look basically alike and not so strange to attract any attention.  They are still very uncomfortable.  Just to remind you, these things are like bricks on my chest.  They are absolutely immovable.  They do not bounce or wiggle or slide to the sides when I lay down.  Think Barbie boobies, only not as soft.  The perks are that I don't ever have to wear a bra and the shadow of my right bump looks not so bad on the ceiling of the radiation room.  Because it is like a Barbie boobie.  I guess I am still just getting used to them, which makes me very much look forward to getting some real fake boobs.  Yay implants!  I can't wait.

Kim had her prophylactic mastectomy a week and a half ago now.  She is recovering very well.  She had the DIEP flap surgery where they remove your breast tissue and make new boobs out of belly fat.  She was even able to keep her nipples and I think that she is very pleased with the outcome so far.  Not many surgeons are skilled with this surgery, so she had it done in Charleston and Karen met her there to be with her while she recovered.  Annabel and I drove down last weekend to visit and were there when Kim came home from the hospital on Sunday.  She is a real trooper and is very mobile for someone who had surgery like that.  We were there when she got the call from her doctor that her pathology was clear and there was no cancer, so that was a great relief.  I am astounded by her bravery to have the surgery!  It is not entirely uncommon for women who are at high risk to go ahead and have the surgery before they are struck with cancer, but I can't imagine how hard it would be to make the decision to go ahead with it.  I am not sure that I would have the courage to do it if the situation were reversed and I'm really proud of her for taking control of the like this.  Cancer is awful and I know for sure that I don't want to see anyone in my family or any of my friends go through it. 

Annabel is doing great.  I SO love being her Mommy!  She is amazing.  We started going to Gymboree again last week and I think she is enjoying getting out of the house and playing with the other kids.  She is still all about her shows and is very opinionated about nearly everything.  If we let her, she would live on "choc milk" alone.  It is ridiculous.  Her vocabulary continues to increase daily and I am always amazed and impressed by what she has to say.  And she is very observant!  Nothing gets by her.  While we were in Charleston, we laid down in bed to take a nap and she told me that I was on the wrong side of the bed, that's where Daddy sleeps.  And would not stop until I got up and went around to the other side.  So picky!  And amusing!  Annabel is with Mimi and Pop Pop tonight for a visit and Scott and I are going to finally spend some time together.  I feel like I haven't seen him in a long time because I've been so exhausted lately that I go to sleep with Annabel every night!  I am looking forward to a date with my husband.

That is the update!  It is still snowing.  Not good.  Can somebody please do something about that and make it go away?  Thank you! 

Another Milestone!

I went to see my plastic surgeon again yesterday.  Because of the pain from my last fill, I was not planning on having another.  I wanted to keep my appointment so that he could take a look at my left side again to determine whether or not I have a slow leak.  There is still some question as to whether or not I do have a leak, so I have a follow-up appointment in two weeks. 

I think I caused a little controversy with my doctors about my clinical trial.  The "rules" say that I can't have any fills while I'm taking the Avastin and that my expansion has to be complete or on hold two weeks before I begin the infusions.  I also have to start back on the Avastin no later than six weeks after my surgery date.  I simply asked WHY I can't have fills after I start the infusions and apparently someone in charge of the trial spoke with my oncologist who then spoke with my plastic surgeon and cleared that matter up.  He told me that my oncologist must have been read the riot act because there were apparently LOTS of reasons why I can't have fills while I'm taking the Avastin.  Not that I care.  Anyway, the point is that yesterday was the LAST day that I could have a fill, so I decided to go ahead and have another despite the fact that I was still in pain from my last one.  He put 60ccs more in each side.  I am glad that I did it.  I think any more would be uncomfortable and though it's hard to gauge what my size will be when I get my implants, I think I'm close to what I want now.  I didn't want to leave without a fill because I was scared of the pain, which is only temporary.  I think I was brave!  So, the milestone is that I am DONE with my fills.

Next up is to get started again with the trial and get started with radiation.  I can do the two concurrently and am scheduled to start the Avastin on January 25th.  My next appointment with the radiation oncologist is on February 4th, but I left a message for him this morning to let him know that my fills are done, so it is likely that he will bump me up so that I can go ahead and get started.  The sooner I start, the sooner I will be finished! 

If you haven't noticed, I am not looking forward to the trial.  The word "infusion" makes me feel queasy now after chemo and although my hair will continue to grow back and there are (allegedly) no side effects with Avastin, I am NOT looking forward to sitting in those chemo chairs again.  It is only once every three weeks, but it is for 30 weeks and I just dread it.  The first treatment will take an hour and a half and then the next after that, an hour and only 30 minutes for the remainder of the study.  They start slowly to make sure that I can tolerate the medicine.  I have already had 5 treatments with my first 5 chemos, so we know that I DID tolerate it well, but that is how they have to start.  Also, there is an end date for the study and I think I missed the window to get all 10 treatments.  As it stands now, I will have 9 treatments and finish up at the end of July.  I have to wait some time after that before I can have surgery, so it will likely be next fall before I can have my reconstructive surgery and hysterectomy.  I also have to wait about 6 months after radiation before I can have reconstruction, so I might as well continue on with the trial since that is not the only thing delaying reconstruction. 

Annabel continues to add new words to her vocabulary and is putting phrases and sentences together.  It is amazing to watch her grow!  And so neat that we get these glimpses of what she is thinking now that she can communicate.  I feel like all of this commotion lately with the holidays and the fills and everything has really thrown our schedule out of whack.  Now that the holidays have passed and my fills are done, I hope that we can get into the swing of a new routine.  She is a good girl and good company, but she is two and has a tantrum every now and then.  I think we both have a little cabin fever and I am looking forward to getting out of the house more often now that I have more energy.  I'm not ready just yet because I still don't have full range of motion in both arms.  My left arm is just about back to normal, but the right is still tight and needs lots of work.  I think I'll be ready to venture out by next week when the pain (and spasms) from my last fill go away.  I am definitely looking forward to it!  It has been a long time.

I find that it's difficult lately to keep things in perspective, but I think it's a sign that I'm feeling better!  Chemo had me down, but now I'm getting my energy back and I get really impatient about the limitations that surgery and the expander fills have caused.  I hate taking pain medicine, but have found it necessary lately.  I am just ready to feel better and get out of the house and DO stuff.  I would even like to go grocery shopping once in a while!  Hmmm...no, I hate grocery shopping.  But it would be nice to get out of the house a bit!

Hazy Days

I spent the last week trying to get back into a "normal" routine, but it has proven to be difficult.  I still don't have total mobility in both arms; the left is mostly back to normal, but the right could use lots more work/exercise to get back to normal.  I also don't feel comfortable lifting Annabel yet, so we haven't been out on any "solo" missions.  I have a little cabin fever and I think I'd be okay out with her alone, but if she had a tantrum or something, I worry that I wouldn't be able to wrangle her.  She is a good girl most of the time, but she is 2 after all! 

On Tuesday, I went back to the plastic surgeon for another fill in my tissue expanders.  He was pleased with the way my incisions are healing and gave me 60ccs in each side.  I took a muscle relaxer and a pain pill prior to my appointment and Scott's Mom was here to watch Annabel.  That fill really wasn't too bad.  I was in pain, but nothing like the two fills prior.  When I got home, I laid down and fell asleep for 3 hours!  It was a good thing that Mimi was here.  My plastic surgeon suggested that we try to do two fills per week until we decide that I am big enough (and then one more after that).  I made an appointment for Friday.  I only needed pain medicine on Tuesday to get through that fill.  I took Advil on Wednesday and was still in a little pain, but it was definitely manageable. 

On Friday, my appointment was at 8am.  Mimi had plans on Friday, so we took Annabel with us to the doctor and she and Scott waited for me in the lobby (and then in the car).  Based on my experience from Tuesday, I was sure that I could handle spending the day with Annabel by myself.  WRONG.  My plastic surgeon is concerned that my left expander doesn't look big enough to have as much saline as he has put into it.  He told me that he wants me to keep an eye on it and he and his nurse will look when I go back on Monday.  If he thinks that it isn't holding fluid, he said that we are going to have to have a very unpleasant conversation....meaning that I will have to have surgery to replace it.  I am hoping that he is wrong and that it is just the difference in the way the sides are filling up, but now I'm paranoid that it does have a slow leak (which he said was pretty uncommon).  He also gave me double the amount for my fill.  OWWWWWWWWWW.  I thought I was a rock star since I recovered so quickly from the last one.  I knew right away that I was going to be in a lot of pain.  Scott had meetings scheduled all day Friday and has missed enough work lately, so I knew I was going to have to tough it out.  I was loaded up on pain medicine and counteracted it with an extra large Dunkin Donuts coffee.  Annabel got out her art box and we colored together and she was very helpful and agreeable, thankfully!  I was really in a lot of pain and Scott's mom and dad ended up coming up to get Annabel and take her home with them.  After she left, I got in bed and stayed there all night until this afternoon.  It hurts to move!  Bad!  I ended up missing Mario's birthday dinner and fun last night because I knew I would be in excruciating pain if I did anything but lay very still.  Again, I hate to complain so much, but it really does hurt.  Any movement hurts, including breathing.  Seriously, breathing hurts.  The good news is that if everything goes well (no leak), I should only have to have one or two more fills.

This part of my "journey" has been especially difficult.  When I was on chemo, I was too tired and sick to be mad or annoyed.  Now I have a little more energy and I don't deal well with physical pain, so I am really cranky that I can't do more and that I am laid up because of these expanders.  I also don't tolerate pain medication very well, it seems.  I have been drifting in and out of sleep since yesterday and when I'm awake, I get frustrated and annoyed very easily.  I am blaming the medicine because I know that plays a big part in it. 

I have mentioned before that I am doing a clinical trial.  The next phase of the trial is 10 more treatments of Avastin over the next 30 weeks (once every 3 weeks).  Clinical trials have rules about everything and the rules of the trial are that I have to start it no later than 6 weeks after my surgery.  Another rule is that I can't start it until two weeks after my last expansion.  We (my oncologist, me & my plastic surgeon) can't get an answer from the clinical trial nurse as to why I can't have expansions while I am getting the Avastin infusions.  It is one of those "rules" things and as far as the clinical trial goes, that is that!  Anyway, the deadline for me to start back up is the 25th.  I am not sure what will happen with the trial if I have to have surgery to get this tissue expander replaced.  I may be ineligible to continue.  That would definitely make the decision for me.  Avastin is a wonderful drug for cancer patients, but I don't think they know whether it prevents recurrence.  I guess that is why I'm on the clinical trial. 

I hate cancer.  Really.  I have been having a hard time the past few weeks because prior to surgery, I considered that to be a major milestone in my treatment.  And while it was a major milestone, I have so much treatment left to do.  Now that the chemo fog is lifting, I want to do MORE...I want to get Annabel out of the house and around other kids again.  I want to be social again and take some weekend road trips.  Stuff like that, but I don't really have the energy yet. 

Not much else going on here.  It was a wonderful holiday season and I was sad when Scott had to go back to work last Monday.  It was really nice to have him home for most of December!  For the last 20 years, I have had our annual family ski trip to look forward to after the holidays, but we are not going this year.  I will miss it so much, but I know that it would have been hard for us to make it with all of this cancer stuff still going on.  I am sure it will be that much better next year! 

Oh, the picture was taken last week before we went to dinner to celebrate Scott's birthday.  I have been going hatless, but since it's cold out, I wear a hat until I get hot.  I will have to include a hatless picture next time.  My hair is finally growing back!