Bald & Boobless!

Bald and boobless....well, this is technically not true because I have a little bit of hair and a little bit of boobs! 
Surgery is over and I am glad to get past this hurdle.  My surgeon said that it went well.  I am in pain, but that is to be expected.  The nurses here at the hospital have been great and they keep me comfortable.  Scott spent the night last night and Kim has been here, too.  I might go home today.  I think at this point, they are leaving it up to me, but I won't get the IV pain medicine if I go.  They have been alternating IV and pills.  I HATE having an IV, so I will probably choose to go home today and recuperate there.  I am nervous about changing the dressings and emptying the drains, but that is Scott's job, anyway.  If he feels comfortable with it, we'll go home later today.  I haven't seen my chest yet, but my surgeon reminded me this morning that I will be really happy with the results later on.  I am a little nervous about it, but again, so glad to get it over with.  Pathology won't be back for a few days and I'll need to go meet with my oncologist to go over that.  I will learn then what the next step in my treatment will be.  I have thought all along that I would have to have radiation, but she told me a few weeks ago that it might not be necessary.  I have some anxiety about the pathology report.  I know already how lucky I am that the chemo did its job, but we will see if it got rid of everything. 
Just wanted to put up a short post.  I am happy to answer any questions about things that I haven't covered....surgery, chemo or otherwise. 
I am including this picture even though it's awful.  Just want you all to know that I am comfortable!  As a matter of fact, I am enjoying some Dunkin Donuts coffee at the moment.

EAT CRAYONS.....

SHIT RAINBOWS!!!
I am sure that this is Suki's way of reminding me to always see the beauty in life.  I don't think Annabel agrees.  She is just pissed that she keeps losing crayons. 

RING-A-LING!!!!

Today was my LAST treatment!  I am really glad to have it behind me, but hunkered down for the next few days to get over it.  So...it isn't really over YET.  But at least I don't have to sit there and get poisoned anymore.  (Well....until more Avastin treatments, but that is another story altogether!). 

The morning started off well, despite the fact that I didn't get a very good night's sleep.  We woke up in time for me to get ready without rushing too much.  I even got to take a bath!  Scott's parents were here before 8:30 to spend the day with Annabel.  Scott and I had to drop my car off at Goodyear for 2 new tires, an oil change and an alignment (ugh!).  He stopped for coffee and we still made it there on time!  Rare. 

When we arrived, we didn't have to wait too long for me to get poked and have my blood drawn for lab work.  We then visited with the clinical trial nurse to discuss my surgery and what needs to happen to get ready.  She is shooting for the week of December 14th, but we don't have a date yet because my breast surgeon and plastic surgeon have to find a time that they are both available.  Before surgery, I will have an echocardiogram, a mammogram, a consult with both surgeons separately, lab work and review with my oncologist and a CAT scan on my neck.  The CAT scan is not for the surgery; I have mentioned a few times that I have had a sore throat since my first treatment.  It hurts in the same spot and the pain comes and goes, but never goes away.  I went to an ENT in June or July and he stuck a HOSE up my NOSE and said it looked slightly irritated.  He prescribed an acid reducer that I take twice daily for "silent reflux".  Shhhhh, don't tell anyone.  I am a little surprised that she didn't recommend that I go back to the ENT again, but she said she'd do the CAT scan to see if anything is going on.  She said that is abnormal, but she is not too concerned.  I am glad I don't have to go to the ENT because of the hose/nose deal, but they also pissed me off over a prescription issue and I would have had to bitch about that and request that she refer me to another ENT group/doctor.  I am not worried about any of this.  My oncologist initially said I would have an MRI before surgery, but after consulting the clinical trial nurse, they decided that a mammogram would be more appropriate.  I am sort of disappointed because they can see more with an MRI to tell me how much my tumor has shrunk, but that is something they won't know for sure until surgery time anyway.

Well, I meant to publish this post last week after my treatment, but I wasn't quite finished when I saved it as a draft.  Today is Wednesday and I am feeling better every day.  My biggest complaint these days is that when I THINK about certain things, I feel very nauseated.  And there are lots of things that make me gag just by thinking about them....the red hand soap that Scott bought for the bathroom grosses me out (looks like chemo medicine) and now even the smell of it makes me gag.  I am throwing it away next time I'm in the bathroom since I've been complaining about it for a few weeks now.  The thought of going to the doctor makes me feel sick.....my first few chemos, (I am trying not to GAG right now typing it, because this is a MAJOR trigger) I asked Scott to pick up lunch from Pita House, which used to be a favorite restaurant.  Obviously I will never eat that again!  I was told that this would happen, but I didn't believe it until it started happening.  I am sure there is some kind of meditation or something that can help and I'll be looking into it when I feel a little better.  Until then, I am still taking some anti-nausea medication as needed.  So far, I have not barfed, but I feel like I spend a lot of time trying not to!  My appetite is not great, but I will eat food if it is in front of me and usually don't have any problems. 

Kim left to go back to Knoxville early this morning.  She was a great help as always.  I miss her when she goes!  I think that she and Annabel had an especially fun time together this visit.  Annabel is more communicative every day and is putting her thoughts together really well.  Kim took her to the zoo on Monday and Annabel made it VERY clear that Kim forgot to get crackers to feed the goats.  She was not happy about it, to say the least!  She likes to voice her opinion about most things and our main stuggle lately has been getting dressed or changing clothes.  Another big milestone....Annabel used the potty for the first time on Monday!  She hasn't been interested in going again since, but once is a good start.  She got some M&Ms for that and I plan to use some kind of sticker chart if I can get her interested again.  I think she is a little young yet, but I want to be prepared in case she shows interest. 

My surgery is set for December 14th.  I have mixed feelings about it.  I think I have been sort of brave about it up until this point because there was no date, but I have a lot of anxiety about it.  I am ready to move onto and past the next step of my treatment, but I don't like the idea of losing my boobs even though they are no good anymore.  Chemo was traumatic and losing my hair was awful, but at least it is going to grow back.  The boobs....not so much.  I am also not looking forward to recovering over the holidays.  I am grateful that we can celebrate Annabel's 2nd birthday before surgery and I hope I can get a tree up and shopping mostly finished before the big day.  I am not sure about the recovery time, but I will meet with my surgeon and plastic surgeon both before surgery.  I hope they can give me some realistic expectations about recovery and pain and all that fun mess.  I am sure that I have mentioned it before, but I will explain my understanding of the procedure again.  I am having a bi-lateral mastectomy, so they are removing both breasts.  My surgeon will go in first and hack them off and then the plastic surgeon will follow with tissue expanders.  Because I have to have radiation, I am not a candidate for immediate reconstruction, but the tissue expanders are sort of like temporary boobs.  I think of them sort of as the spacers that you get before you get braces, but I will be sporting them for several months.  The tissue expanders have some sort of port in them and the plastic surgeon will fill them with something (?) over the first two weeks after my surgery.  I am sure I will learn more about this during my doctor visits. 

No hair yet!  I hope to have some brewing by surgery time.  I still have a head full of fuzz, but it seems to be coming out fast.  I have threatened to shave my head so that when my hair grows, it will be even, but I am attached to the fuzz for some crazy reason.  I guess because it's all I have!  My eyebrows and eyelashes are very thin.  I have heard that they will probably fall out completely before they start growing back in.  I have major eyebrow issues!  They are thin, but crazy like an old man.  I have some faux eyebrow powder and a pencil, but I haven't gotten it out yet.  I am just trying to be gentle with them so that I can keep what I have.  As bad as they look, I think it will look pretty bad to have none.  I might practice with my fake eyebrows tomorrow.

Not much else to report.  I am looking forward to the holidays despite the sense of impending doom over surgery.  Scott and I are planning to go and see the Brian Setzer Orchestra's Christmas show at the beginning of December.  We went a few years ago and it really put me in the holiday mood!  I have also been listening to Christmas music on Sirius.  I can't wait to celebrate with Annabel this year.  I think she will be excited about decorations and Santa and of course, presents!  I will keep you posted.

Update

WOW!  Has it really been that long since my last post???  I keep meaning to update, but I have put it off for a long time I guess. 

Let's see.....since my last post, I have had a treatment.  As I have mentioned before, my oncologist does a rudimentary measurement of my tumor when I see her before chemo.  I was dreading this past treatment and got a great pick-me-up when she went to measure and couldn't find it!  This is excellent news of course, but also doesn't mean that it is gone.  Again, rudimentary measurement.  We will know more the next time I have scans and then for sure when I have my surgery.  But it is very encouraging to know that the chemo is doing its job.  My recovery was pretty uneventful after my last treatment, which is also good.  Annabel spent a few nights with Scott's parents and Scott actually ended up working from home both Thursday (treatment day) and Friday.  Annabel had a great time with her grandparents and I enjoyed having Scott here to keep me company.  Kim came to visit on Saturday night and stayed until early Wednesday morning when she left to go back to work.  I love having her here to help with Annabel and keep me company while I recover.  She usually makes me get out of the house and doesn't put up with my crankiness or take it personally.  I am not the best company all the time!

The news interview aired on the Tuesday after my last treatment.  I am glad that I did it and I think it turned out ok, thanks to editing I'm sure!  Here is a link:
http://www.foxcarolina.com/video/21438004/index.html

I have become somewhat of a germaphobe lately.  Rightfully so if you want to ask me!  I don't want any part of the crud that is going around.  It would set me back and I am all about full steam ahead right now.  I am ready to be finished with chemo and getting sick is not part of the plan.  I haven't been out of the house too much and when I do leave, I am armed with hand sanitizer and wipes.  Since I got sick after #5, I have been really nervous about getting sick again.  I have gotten a flu shot, but I know that it doesn't prevent all kinds of flu.  I am just trying to stay away from germs since I don't have much longer now. 

The weather has been nice!  I love fall.  We have had some cozy days of chilly weather, but are still getting the occasional 70 degree day.  Annabel and I went to the zoo on Friday and she and Scott spent a lot of time outside this weekend playing on her playset and coloring the driveway and porch with sidewalk chalk.  I meant to take a picture of the house last week because our big crape myrtle looked beautiful with red-orange leaves, but they have mostly fallen now.  Oh, well. 

Annabel is talking up a storm.  She is getting good at putting words together and has been pretty conversational lately.  Every day is something new!  She is also VERY resistant to changing her clothes.  I have tried giving her two sets of clothes to choose from.  She will choose, but then has a fit when I dress her.  I have even tried to let her pick her own clothes, but that usually ends in disaster as well.  I am sure it's just a phase, but it is exhausting to have the same fight twice a day (jammies too!).  Right now, she is wearing a busy green calico-y pajama top and some black Halloween leggings with different prints.  We aren't going anywhere or else she would have on the matching shirt.  Or pajama pants!  Last week, we went to run errands and for whatever reason, she would only wear one sock.  As frustrating as it is, I still think it's pretty funny.  Before too long, she'll be able to tell me why.  On Friday, she will be 23 months old already.  She's almost 2!  I can't believe it.

Only a few more days until my LAST chemo!!!  I am not looking forward to the treatment itself, but I will be glad to have this phase of my cancer "journey" behind me.  I know it will take a long time to get back to normal, but at least I won't get the chemo beat-down every 3 weeks.  I feel icky whenever I think about even going to the doctor and the way it smells.  Scott got some red liquid hand soap for the bathroom and every time I look at it, it makes me want to gag!  I think I am having that association thing.  I am definitely going to have to take some anti-anxiety before my treatment on Thursday!  I look forward to hearing again that my tumor is disappearing.  I will also find out what scans and tests and doctor visits are required before my surgery and hopefully, I will have a surgery date.  I am nervous about that because there is so much going on in December....Annabel's 2nd birthday, Christmas and Scott's 40th birthday.  I don't want to miss out on anything, but I know I have to get it over with.  And at least if I have a date, I can start planning.  And I guess I have to do all of my Christmas shopping too! 

That is what's going on around here.  Maybe it won't take me so long to post again next time! 

Football Time in Tennessee!

Last weekend, we went to Knoxville for a visit and for the TN/GA game.  Go Vols!  Ok, as if I care so much about football, but I do get caught up in the spirit of the game.  Especially this rivalry.  Scott is a Georgia fan.  We packed up the car and left later than intended (as usual!).  This was our first trip using the portable DVD player in the back for Annabel.  It did not go so well.  We made it about 45 minutes out of town before she started barfing.  Pit stop at Target for some Febreze and snacks and then back on the road.  We had just gotten out of the mountains when she barfed AGAIN and then immediately fell asleep.  Scott cleaned her up and we kept driving, in the rain.  We couldn't even roll the windows down!  It was foul, but we laughed a lot.  It turns out that Annabel was just carsick from watching her DVD, so luckily she was just fine the rest of the weekend.

Saturday was a busy day.  I knew it wasn't a good idea to go to the football game, but I was still able to socialize, which was great.  I took Scott downtown to meet up with Shannon and Lillia and crew, so I got to visit a little at the brewery.  After I dropped him off, I met my friend Lisa and we got to spend some time together.  I was pretty worn out after that, so I went back to my dad's and crashed on the sofa for a while.  Kim picked Scott up from the game on her way home from work and we all ate pizza for dinner.  I really wanted to see my friends Paige and James, so we went to a party on Saturday night and caught up with them, FINALLY.  It has been a long time since we've seen each other, but because we have a mutual friend in our neighbor Shannon and since James and my dad work together, we just picked things right up.  It was great to see them and we also got to have brunch together on Sunday morning.  I was really happy to be able to have such a social weekend.  Really, I think that is the most socializing I've done since before Annabel was born!  She is finally old enough that we can leave her with family and she is very content.  It was a great trip, another great diversion and the drive home was nice.  The leaves are starting to change in the mountains, so it made up for the drive there.

Last week, the counselor from the Cancer Society called me to see if I'd be interested in speaking with Fox Carolina about breast cancer because they were looking for someone to interview who is currently being treated.  I agreed to do it and the news reporter called me early this week to set up a time to come over.  She was here this morning interviewing me for their breast cancer story that is airing at the end of the month.  I am nervous!  I hope I didn't look or sound like a dork.  I am sure that I did and will not enjoy watching it, but hopefully they can do some editing and make me look like slightly less of a dork.  I don't know....I have a hard time lately finishing a train of thought, so I am interested to see how it turns out.  I'll keep everyone posted about when it's going to be on.  She interviewed me outside on the front porch and they also filmed a little bit inside the house.  Scott did some good speed cleaning last night, so I hope the dirty parts don't show up and we look spiffy.  I get a goat voice when I am nervous and I told the reporter.  She said that she didn't hear it after she took my mic off.  I just hope that I help someone or was able to thank the people that help me.  That was sort of my point in doing it.  We'll see!

Another thing that I haven't mentioned here yet is that Kim got the results back from her genetic test.  Unfortunately, the results were positive for the BRCA1 gene.  She recently had her mammogram and ultrasound and also a breast biopsy; there was no cancer, which is a GREAT thing.  Because she has such an increased risk to get breast cancer, she is opting to have a prophylactic mastectomy sometime soon.  Specifically, she is looking into having the DIEP surgery.  This is where they take tummy fat and make new boobs, so she gets a free tummy tuck, too.  This surgery is relatively new I think and there are not many surgeons who do it.  She is planning to meet with a surgeon in Milwaukee and if it is a go, she will have the surgery there and recover with our family in Wisconsin.  I hate that she tested positive, but I am glad that she is taking a proactive approach.  I don't want her to ever have to have cancer, so anything she can do to prevent it is a great thing.  It is not uncommon for women in her situation to have a prophylactic mastectomy.  As a matter of fact, we are going to a luncheon in a few weeks and the speaker chose this route after helping her sister through breast cancer, so it is a similar situation.  I feel bad.  Like this is Kim's big prize for helping me through this.  She seems to be taking it really well. 

We have sort of a busy weekend planned.  We're taking Annabel to Boo in the Zoo and having dinner with Mario and Shannon.  We're also planning to go and look at some campers.  I keep looking online, but I am sure that when I see them in person, they are going to look much tinier than they do in pictures!  We hope to get a camper sometime next spring so that we can enjoy some family vacations and road trips when I am feeling better.  I've been looking at lightweight, hybrid travel trailers.  We need something that we can pull behind the Pathfinder, so we'll see where our search takes us.  I am VERY excited about it. 

I want to thank everyone again for all of the support and encouragement!  It really helps me.  I know that I have been bad lately with correspondence, but it isn't because I don't think of it.  It is sometimes hard to find a quiet moment. 

Feeling alright with one week left until my next treatment.  My throat has been hurting again and this week, I have had pain in my neck/shoulder where my port is.  I am thinking that I possibly slept on it funny this weekend, but paranoia strikes and I worry that there is something wrong with my port again.  I am generally lethargic and get worn out really easily.  I don't feel like I'm pushing myself enough to do any walking or anything, but I also just want to get through this chemo thing.  I have not been eating well lately.  I don't have a very good appetite.  I'll eat if food is in front of me, but I am not very motivated to cook or shop and have an especially hard time deciding what to eat.  I am also drinking Instant Breakfast to make sure that I get vitamins.  I tried Ensure, but it was awful.  It is not my preferred method of dieting, but I have lost some weight, which did not seem to please my doctor.  Luckily, I have clothes in the next size down and they also happen to mostly be winter clothes.  I know that the fatigue and side effects from chemo are cumulative, so the fact that I am easily tired and not feeling well shouldn't be surprising, but it is no fun.  Four more weeks until my last treatment.  The countdown is on!  It is hard to believe.  I hope I get the most bang for my buck here and have mild side effects with great tumor shrinkage.  I was really hoping that the tumor would be GONE by the end of chemo, but it was still 3cm at the last measurement.  That is good because it continues to shrink, but it is probably much to hope that it disappears completely.  In any case, whatever is left will be gone with surgery.  Both my oncologist and the counselor at the Cancer Society mentioned an Oncology Rehab program, which includes exercise and nutrition help.  Apparently, I will do this after I am finished with radiation.  I am looking forward to feeling better, for sure!

What To Do???

This is Annabel going, going, gone!  This morning, Scott's parents came up to visit.  I went on a solo mission to Target for supplies and then met Scott for lunch.  Emily wanted Annabel to spend the night, but we thought this might not be a good idea since we're going to Knoxville tomorrow and it would mean an extra 45 minutes in the car for her.  But then we changed our minds!  Annabel loves to go to Mimi's and by the time I got home for lunch, she had packed all of her toys.  There are no sad goodbyes from her!  She was ready to go when I walked in the door! 

I am not used to being by myself and I have already had alone time at Target today.  I don't even know what to do with myself, so I just plopped in the chair in front of the tv and here I sit, trying to decide what to do while the day wastes away!  I might go to a movie.  I might play with the Play Doh I got for Annabel at Target.  I might go sit on the porch and watch traffic and enjoy the weather.  But I might sit here in this chair with the windows open and take a nap.  Or not.  You would never know that I lived alone for 10 years! 

Yesterday, Annabel and I spent our first day alone together in a few weeks.  It was great and we took it easy.  She is amazing and also happens to be great company.  Her new thing is eating cereal with milk.  Kim fed her some Cheerios with milk one day and she is all over it.  She does a great job not making a mess.  I can't believe what a big girl she is already!  We sat on the back porch yesterday afternoon and had a snack and waited for Scott to come home.  She decided that she needed shoes, so she went in the house and came back with her tennis shoes.  Then she told me that I needed shoes, too.  So she went back in the house and came out with a pair of sneakers that I rarely wear.  I have no idea where she found them, but she was really proud of herself.  And that made me happy!  She is very particular about things sometimes.  She likes for things to be in (her) order and she will throw a fit over shoes.  She loves loves loves to pick out her shoes as well as ours.  She picked out her shoes and socks today.  I guess it is funky fresh to mix her tie-dye shirt and capris with striped socks and pink striped tennis shoes.  Or something.  Annabel's other true love at the moment is Max and Ruby, her favorite TV show.  She has a little dance that she does when she hears the music.  She goes nuts for it!  I got her a Max and Ruby DVD at Target today.  We have episodes on DVR, but will be nice to have a "roady" for back-up and trips!  She is still calling me Mommmmmmm.  I told Karen before she got here that Annabel uses a long "m".  She didn't know what I meant until Annabel called me from the other room.  I have no idea why I'm not Mommy, but I'll roll with it.  She calls Scott Daddy most of the time.  I guess she is done calling him Scott for now.  I miss her when she's not here!!!

Today marks only 5 more weeks of chemo hell!  My last treatment will be on November 12th if all goes as planned.  I am looking forward to this milestone, but at the same time, I am nervous about NOT having any more treatments.  At least I know now that the poisons are working hard to kill the cancer.  What will it be like when I don't have that assurance?  I am sure it will be hard, but I will be busy worrying about surgery and then recovery and then radiation......but I can't help but worry about the chemo working its magic.  These are the big guns I think and the rest of it is just sort of the icing on the cake.  But maybe I think that because I am in the thick of it?  I don't know. 

So, that is what is going on today.  It is absolutely beautiful outside!  It is hard to complain on days like today.  I just wish that fall lasted longer here in South Carolina!

6 DOWN, 2 TO GO!!!

I completed my 6th chemo last Thursday!  Only 2 more to go!!  This time around, I have been sleeping a LOT.  I would rather sleep through the bad part, so I am not complaining.  I have been lucky to have my sisters here to help.  Karen left yesterday to go back to Chicago and Kim came in to help for a few more days.  I hope to be back on my feet by Wednesday. 

Last Tuesday, I went to the doctor to have my blood count checked and it was high enough to have my port fixed on Wednesday.  Scott took half the day off and went with me to the hospital.  I admit now that the anticipation was worse than the procedure itself!  I don't want to have to do it again, though!  I was awake the whole time (I think!).  I asked for more versed at least once.  It was freezing in the room, but they covered me up with warm blankets except for my groin area (nice!).  They told me that I would feel the needle for the local anesthetic and some pulling and tugging during the procedure and that is about it.  It was uncomfortable, but I don't think it took very long.  I could see the catheter and my chest up on the monitors.  They just snaked it up there and grabbed the end and put it right where it belonged.  I don't have any stitches or glue or anything.  The wound is tiny.  After the procedure, I was in "recovery" for a while.  I ate some lunch and then they sent me on my way.  We even got home earlier than expected. 

When I went to have my treatment on Thursday, they were able to get blood from my port very easily.  That was a first and it is a great relief that it is working properly.  When I saw my oncologist, she reassured me that we shouldn't have any more problems with my last two treatments.  She measured my tumor at 3cm.  I was disappointed because I had hoped that it would be smaller, but she told me that her measurements are rudimentary (she measures with her hands for the purpose of the study) and that there is likely tissue surrounding that is not part of the tumor.  She told me that I am doing fantastic, which is really good to hear!  She also reminded me that my treatment is very aggressive.  I am glad that the tumor is shrinking, but I really hope that when they operate, they find nothing there.  Kim says she envisions a pile of ashes.  Ha, ha.  I am with her.  I am done with this crap and I want that thing annihilated.  Anyway, it was good to have my doctor's reassurance.  The treatment itself was not too bad.  Karen was with me and Scott came for a visit on his lunch break.  My regular chemo nurse was out taking a class, but she left me in good hands.  It is a long day.  When we got home, I ate some lunch and went to bed.  I have pretty much been sleeping since then.  I can't seem to keep my eyes open.  I do usually sleep a lot after a treatment, but never this much.  I am glad for it, though. 

My plan for this week is just to take it easy.  We are planning to go to Knoxville again next weekend for the TN/GA game.  I am not planning to go to the game, but I hope to be able to get down to campus to tailgate for a bit if I'm feeling ok.

Less than 6 weeks left of chemo!  My last treatment should be on November 12th.  They will schedule my surgery 4 to 6 weeks after that, which will fall right near Annabel's 2nd birthday.  It is going to be a rough holiday season this year with recovery, but I will just be that much closer to being cancer-free. 

Annabel has been a busy girl!  She is talking more and more every day and loves being around people.  I have gotten extra kisses today for some mysterious reason.  Not that I'm asking questions!  I'll take every one I can get!